Well the play date did not cause the sleepless night. Actually the thought of the play date is causing the sleepless night for me. See I LOVE the fact PA is having a play date & also that she has been talking about this for days. I think it is wonderful.
See PA does not always play well with others & frankly I do not know this lovely lady very well. I mean I know her she goes to my church & she is a wonderful mom to four beautiful children. Most people adore her & she is a very pleasant person. I actually like her & would love to get to know her better.
Then what the hell is my problem right? Well yes, see it’s complicated. Truthfully not so complicated. I talk all the time about how PA has a hard time with playing with kids. She doesn’t play with them. More like around them. She loves to be around kids, but has a hard time relating to them.
Until tonight I never thought of my own insecurities with other people.
As a kid my father was in the Army & we moved around a lot. I never learned to make friends. It never really interested me. The fact we moved a lot made it so much easier because it didn’t matter if I didn’t make any friends at one post, because well we were only going to move. It didn’t matter. I also had 3 sisters at the time so if I had to have a friend well I just awkwardly attached myself to one of theirs. I faked it much of the time just so I would look like I fit in.
Come on we all have things we struggle with. I have a really hard time relating to most people in person. On line I can be just like everyone else or I think I do a pretty good job anyway. As a kid I never fit in. I was always the one picked last for games. I was always just a little slower than most and was the kid who got beat up on the way to school every day. Yes, this really happened.
It was the longest time we had been at any one post was in Germany On the way to school every morning this kid from down the street would beat me up. Keep in mind I had 2 sisters I walked to school with every morning. One of who is 11 months younger than I. How did I get separated? Simple, I always lagged behind saw something shiny & inevitably would lose track of time. I was often late to school because of this.
One day this kid got a god shot in & knocked me out. People got worried, as I was later than normal. Someone found me in a little park that was on the way to school. MP’s were called & I ended up at home trying to explain what happened.
I am still unsure how this really went down, but without knowing months earlier accidently hit this kid over the head with my metal roller-skates. Well I may have known I did this, but honestly forgot to apologize. I was not the most tactful child. I really don’t remember much of the detail but I was made to apologize for hitting him over the head. I don’t remember if he apologized, but he must have.
As I grew up I was able to learn how to make friends, had relationships even got married and stayed married (I have a very patient husband who puts up with a lot). However even with the years behind me of having successful relationships (many more unsuccessful than not) I still lose sleep at the thought of getting to know someone new.
So tomorrow this lovely lady is coming over with her 4 wonderful children & here I sit tonight freaking out over the possibility of saying something completely inappropriate or doing something so awkward that this poor woman might never want to be in the same room with me again. I know this sounds completely unrealistic, but a genuine fear for me right at this moment. I know full well it will be fine & the worst thing that will happen is I will dominate the conversation and she might think twice about spending any length of time with me for a while.
Just goes to show in some areas we may not be so different from our children.