Special Needs Mom Confessions–Sometimes I Don’t

Dealing with being a Special Needs Mom, Wife, Woman-Can be Overwhelming

Bobby sleeping - no thoughts of special needs here

Bobby sleeping - What's he thinking about!

You guys know I’m a special needs parent – in that I have kids with special needs. But I also have a husband with health problems, and in the complexity of dealing with the combined stresses, I find myself questioning the validity of how I cope with new diagnosis, with the daily routine.

If you deal with these issues as well, then you know that you can sometimes feel overwhelmed, sometimes frustrated, and sometimes even confused. Confused? Huh?

But yes, confused … because you always have this preconceived notion of how you should feel or how you should react to the kinds of things that happen daily around here, and sometimes it is confusing when you don’t feel much like reacting that way. When you have reached a wall and can’t react as positively as you normally do, even for a moment – it can make you feel so very confused deep inside.

You see, I pride myself on easy acceptance – on being able to deal with the constant issues that arise in our world of kids with special needs and health issues too numerous to count. But sometimes, I can’t find that easy acceptance, and sometimes I am not even sure I want to.

Those answers to the deep questions, whether they are about a new diagnosis, or how we should react to a new diagnosis, are important to feel, to work through. And sometimes working through the emotions leaves you open to understanding yourself a little more.

This is one of those pieces that wrote itself, in the dead of the night not that long ago, after dealing with yet another diagnosis. Read and then see my questions at the end. I would love your thoughts.

Andy Sleeping - What's he thinking about?

Andy Sleeping - What's he dreaming about?

Sometimes, late at night when I should be dreaming, I instead find the thoughts hard to chase away. They sit and linger, nestle in and burrow into my subconscious.

Sometimes, late at night, when the rest of the house is asleep, my mind wanders, and leaves me facing truths I’d rather leave unspoken.

I’m left waiting for another night to pass, for another morning to dawn, another day of appointments, and tests, and answers to questions answered and yet…not.

I find myself with this strange yearning, a hard one to describe, to whisper to myself at night. To confess.

You see, sometimes, in the dark and lateness of the night, when no one is up to hear, I can think to myself and admit, that maybe I don’t want to answer the questions plaguing my mind, my heart, my fears.

Would it be easier to wander about the unknown, to fear it and respect it, than to embrace the answers and new questions sure to come? Or worse still, a lack of answers. At what point does no answer become better than the answer?

Late at night, as my mind wanders, the answers elude me, the questions heckle me; they twist and turn, and I’m left wishing instead for the answers to remain.

A little deep, I know, but it also got me to thinking … how honest are we, really, with ourselves when we think we’re dealing so well with everything that happens in our lives?

If I’m being honest – I get scared, overwhelmed, my thoughts race, and I can’t focus…sometimes…because of the questions moving through my mind. I bet, if you are honest, there are times you feel the same way?

What do you do when that happens? Me? Sometimes I cry, sometimes I rage, and sometimes I accept. You see, I’m not perfect … I’m just a mom doing the best she can, a wife struggling to do the same. And at the end of the day I react in all-too-human ways to the crises of life.

And you? Why don’t you share in the comments? Think others might appreciate thinking all these thinkie thoughts? I’d love it if you shared the post for me so we could find out! At the end of the day, long though it might be, do you have questions relating to the special needs your significant other or children might have?

Katrina Moody

Katrina Moody

Graphic Designer, Wordpress Addict, Blogger at Kat's Media & More
I'm a special needs parent before just about everything else in life, but also a passionate advocate for my three boys and husband, who all have a bit of awesomeness about them. Awesomeness = Axenfeld-Rieger Syndrome, Autism, Epilepsy, Dyslexia, Cerebral Palsy, and more. It all adds up to some awesome kids and an amazing family.
Katrina Moody
Katrina Moody
Katrina Moody

Latest posts by Katrina Moody (see all)

  • http://SusanCanHelpMe.com Susan Preston

    What a beautiful and inspiring post. I love your Authenticity. By writing this and opening yourself up and allowing others to see that they are not alone, that you too, have some challenging times and that it is perfectly normal to do so. This will not only resonate parents who have children with special needs but also others who may be going through just a challenging day in their life. I know it touched my heart. Thank you, Katrina for sharing {hugs}

    • http://katscafe.org Katrina Moody

      Thanks so much for your kind words, Susan. I promised myself when I first started writing here that I would share even the not-so-pretty parts of being the mom to some amazing little guys. I’m a pretty easy-going kind of lady, though, so luckily I stay more positive than less as time goes by.

      Of course, you know what a blessing you have been to me as well – being able to reach out when we need a friend the most is why makes us strong enough to keep going. *hugs*

  • Jim Moody

    I’m sorry you are going through all of this. I know I’m always here to talk and to be there for you whenever you need a hug or anything. You know what has been going on with the diagnoses between me and the boys, and I feel like it’s another punch that someone has thrown at me. I’ll keep getting up from those punches as long as you and the boys are with me. Just know that you aren’t alone and I love you so much.

    • http://katscafe.org Katrina Moody

      I know my sweatheart! {hugs} I love you and the boys so much as well, and I know that as long as we communicate with each other we’ll always be stronger on the other side of these adversities. {my hubby above, friends, isn’t it awesome?}

  • http://www.entrepreneursuccessprinciples.com/ Edmund Lee

    Thank you for sharing this and being real. I know I’ll never experience and understand what it’s like to experience the things that you’re going through, but just know that we are here for support and are always here with an open ear.

    • http://katscafe.org Katrina Moody

      Aw Edmund, I truly appreciate that. Writing this was a cathartic process for me. I held it in my drafts folder for a while, not because I was ashamed of it, but because I was afraid of what it said about me. We all strive and desire to be the best we can be, to treat life’s struggles with passion, clarity, and grace … but sometimes you have to also just be real … with yourself.

      Thanks so much for stopping by Edmund, I appreciate it greatly!

  • http://www.swallowtailconsulting.com Lorrie

    Katrina, I have had my fair share of bumps and knocks along life’s path, but you my dear carry a load I fear I might not have the strength to support, especially over the long haul. You are one of my heroes!

    • http://katscafe.org Katrina Moody

      Lorrie –
      You know me well enough to know that I try very hard not to let life drag me down. But I am no hero, quite honestly. No, I’m just one of many, many mothers and parents out there doing the best they can. We each have a story to tell, some have a little more drama and some have a little more action, that’s all *grin*

      Thanks so much for taking the time to stop by and comment! *hugs*

  • http://stayoutofthebox.blogspot.com/ Jessica

    I’ve been a Special Needs mom since my oldest was 3 months old, she is now 14. There are days that I’m strong, and others that I still feel like curling into a ball and just sobbing for all the unknowns in her life. As parents our instinct is to protect our children and when we can’t we get frustrated, angry and confused over it. So I think it’s just fine to cry…to be angry…to quit…if just for a moment.
    Sometimes we just need that moment.

    • http://katscafe.org Katrina Moody

      Jessica –

      First, thank you so much for stopping by … I really appreciate your visit. I can empathize with what you are saying, and you are so correct – we want to protect our children, and not being able to do that punches a hole straight through our hearts. You get it … sometimes we just really need to take that moment! Thank you so much for understanding what I was trying to put into words and for sharing your own story as well. Hope we will see you back here at the Cafe soon!

  • http://www.ruinedmyweek.com Max M.

    Thank you for being so open and candid about your experience. You’re doing an excellent job. Keep up the good work!

    • http://katscafe.org Katrina Moody

      Always open, always candid, always honest … always! It’s the only way to live (and blog) through life *grin*

      Thanks so much for stopping by Max – I really appreciate it!

  • http://www.trainerisa.com isa

    wow..on a day that i’m feeling a little less positive than i should be it’s a post like this that reminds me that we’re all dealing with something no matter how big or how small.

    it’s the kindness and love that we share that sometimes will help when someone is dealing with something that is troubling them

    a big hug is what i can offer and of course a share on FB and twitter

    thanks for your transparency…i’m sure it will help others who feel alone in what they are dealing with.

  • http://lookingforisis.com Stacy

    recently, a new diagnosis was suggested for my DS. I thought about it long and hard. in so many ways it fits, in others not so much. I decided not to peruse it even though i think it is a better fit than his current. We don’t & won’t medicate so that isn’t an issue. the services he receives with this diagnosis are more flexible than with the other, so we do nothing. We live with the unknown and it works for us.

    • http://katscafe.org Katrina Moody

      Yikes, I don’t know if I could do that one … I understand the thought process, though. Our guys have conditions where medications can literally help mean the different between life and death, or sometimes can mean being able to function in a school setting over not being able to stand it. Had we not had the proper diagnoses for that, I wouldn’t have been as sure that the medication we started was appropriate. I’m careful of dosages and we have a less is more policy when it comes to meds for that reason … but I think there is a place for proper diagnosis.

      It doesn’t always make a difference in how you treat the person, but it can mean a real difference in their quality of life and the understanding of those around them … sometimes … to have the proper diagnosis. I admire your passion in standing by what you feel is right for your son and your situation. There have been times I wasn’t sure if going forward with the diagnosis would really help. Thanks for stopping by the Cafe, Stacy – I appreciate it!

  • http://www.creman.se Christer Edman

    Thanks for sharing and I am sure it will help other parents in similar situations. I liked especially to see Jim’s comment and how you are working together. Take care of each other…

    • http://katscafe.org Katrina Moody

      Thanks Christer – My man and I love each other, always, and he tickles me how he stays up to date on my blog and FB postings. But it’s clear to see he loves me as much as I love him, and we will both be working through the craziness of this life we lead.

  • http://thejourneyofmotherl.blogspot.com Alice (Mother L)

    My son is only 3 now, but has continued health concerns, Asthma and repeated ear infections. His allergies are the cause of these issues so he can’t really survive without those antihistamines. He has been to the ER 4 times this year (since July) for breathing problems. But I know from personal experience how “wrong” emotions can feel. Last year we were exploring the possibility that my son had a life-long, life-threatening chromosomal disease. During that time, and still today, I had little reaction to what was going on. Concerned friends asked how I was, but I felt honestly confused why they seemed so concerned. Should I have been more concerned than I was? Probably, but I think my apathy helped me to survive that time. So, your emotions are normal because they are very human. I wish you the best!

  • http://www.facebook.com/DogWish4Bear Victoria Meyers

    Reading your eloquent post makes me reflect on myself, my own NEW idiosyncrasies since becoming a special needs mom, my son is 14 years old, but in many ways it’s as if everyday is just a brand new day with brand new circumstances. You get so lost in all the chaos. I think sometimes about who I USED to be, a writer, a bookkeeper, a wife lol. Reconciling these new days that come so fast, sometimes you just have to pull the covers back over your head and say NOT RIGHT NOW… Incredible focus you have, Katrina, you inspire me :)

    • http://katscafe.org Katrina Moody

      Ah – thanks Victoria! I promised myself long ago I would share the good and the bad … even if I would rather pull the covers over my head ;-)

  • http://www.positivecalm.com Solvita

    Dear Katrina, I want to send a lot of love your way… I am a special needs mum and can relate to frustration you go through… what I realized is that only privileged people can have special needs children… it challenging and truly gives us opportunity to connect to God on a deep level of learning to accept our life, people without a judgment for who they really are in other words… it is much harder to love imperfection as we have our mind which likes to love appearances rather than truth, when we accept and love imperfection we break through to the perfection (inside) as everything REAL is perfect and it comes from heart and soul rather than mind… I feel very blessed being a special needs mum as I’d never would discover so much about myself and others without my son. You need to take care of yourself and get more help darling, love.

    • http://katscafe.org Katrina Moody

      Aw thanks Solvita {{hugs}} I agree that being a special needs mom has allowed me to grow as a person and in ways I never imagined before. While I don’t get down often, when I do it’s hard to remember that others have gone through this before too. Thanks so much for your thoughtful response my friend!

  • http://normadoiron.net/ Norma Doiron

    Oh Katrina… this article got me. So touching… then I read the post your hubby wrote. How little we understand what being a special needs Mom means. I love how you love your family – and your heart. x0x
    The LEARNED Preneur @ NormaDoiron.NET

  • http://manifestingmydestiny.com/ Lorii Abela

    This post is very inspiring and touching Katrina. Surely, parents with the same situation can learn and and get help from this. Thank you for sharing your heart. Continue loving your family like what you’re doing and we’re just here to support you.

  • http://familyliteracy2.blogspot.com Tina “The Book Lady”

    Hi – I’m already following you by Twitter, FB and on GFC – would love a follow back if you aren’t following me (I think you are). I came from Friday Follow

    Tina ‘the book lady’
    @familyliteracy2
    https://plus.google.com/i/ogwy93M5wi4:KdKqAqRTIGQ
    You can link up your giveaways @
    https://plus.google.com/b/113053731364691006090/

    Thanks!

  • http://4realmoms-reelmama.blogspot.com/ Lauren Ivy Chiong

    The hard questions of parenting are not always answered. As a stay-at-home mom of a 2-year-old I often encounter the most challenging moments at the least expected times, and I know it’s that way for most parents. You are certainly not alone in your questioning, but your strength and courage is singular and remarkable! Give yourself a big pat on the back for all you accomplish daily–wow!

    I wrote a piece on feeling overwhelmed as the mother of a toddler called “A night for magic wands”:

    http://4realmoms-reelmama.blogspot.com/2011/05/night-for-magic-wands.html

    I hope you enjoy it!

  • http://www.myyogasecret.com Rhonda Uretzky

    Your poetry touches me deeply. Thank you for having the courage to share yourself – this is all anyone really wants from anyone else. Despair and confusion can sometimes be the keys that unlock a heart. And so can happiness, so allowing yourself to feel it all is beautiful and sharing it is truly special. Your kids are opening your heart wide and the rest of us share your beautiful life through the clarity of your thoughts and words.

  • http://marieleslie.com Marie Leslie

    Your posts are always insightful and always get me thinking. I, too, am one of those late night thinkers. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to be blissfully ignorant, to not know what I know or have a “need to know.” I wonder if my life would not be less stressful sometimes if I wasn’t always searching, but then I think about what I need and what my family needs and how I wouldn’t be properly caring for those needs if I weren’t searching and seeking. Life always is a constant series of surprises and discoveries, isn’t it, especially when it wasn’t what we were wanting to discover?

  • http://www.thestressreliefprogram.com Lisa Birnesser

    Wow, Kat… that was real, beautiful and inspiring all in the same post. Thank you for opening your mind, heart and feelings here. We sometimes forget we are human and have challenges to seal with daily. Thank you from my heart to yous.

    • http://katscafe.org Katrina Moody

      Aw – thanks so much Lisa! My hope is to always share a bit of myself and always keep it real. *hugs* to you and yours and hope you are set to have a very Merry Christmas!

  • http://www.zolemia.wordpress.com Susan

    As I was reading your words, it felt like my thoughts were echoing. I hope that makes sense. What I mean is, it sounded so much like my thoughts in the middle of the night. My situation is different in that, it is my health, that is changing our lives, and I try really hard to maintain as much normalcy for my kids amongst it all.
    You have some teamwork with your husband that must be wonderful. I wish for you continued strength!!!

  • http://kidsaregrown.blogspot.com/ Melissa Lawler

    I have to tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My son,(hang on this is going to be a helluva run-on sentence!) who I spent almost 5 months in bed because I was a high risk pregnancy, he was then a failure to thrive baby that took forever to diagnose, then he was diagnosed as allergic to all food and they could not tell me if he would live. I believe he has ASD but they would not diagnose him. But the point is, he will be 26 years old in 3 weeks. Hang in there!

    • http://katscafe.org Katrina Moody

      Aw – thanks Melissa! I love to read comments from those who have been there ahead of me! You rock! And these kids of ours …. they are pretty darn awesome, aren’t they?