After Five Months Seizure-Free Logan Went Down
He went down in the middle of the local Goodwill store, to the shock of at least one man, who asked if he was okay as I was jumping over obstacles to get to him … and with one seizure Logan broke a five-month-long answer to prayer.
Living with epilepsy means that you sometimes just can’t figure out when a seizure might strike, but I have to admit that after 5 months I had become complacent … Logan wasn’t right beside me as he would have been months ago … he was having a blast looking at shoes of all things. His cute high-pitched squeals of happiness were my shopping soundtrack as I looked through toys and poked through the puzzles (I’m not the only one low on money who sees Goodwill toy shopping as pure awesomeness, am I?).
He went down, and as I rushed to him, slid to a stop and realized that his glazed expression meant he was indeed having a seizure, I felt like we went back to square one. Frustrated, overwhelmed, and just plain sad, I said goodbye to a sense of comfort and complacency 5 months without seizures had given me.
We’ve talked about his epilepsy before, and some of you have been around when we feared even a common cold because he was so fragile and prone to seizures.
The fact is, as I hurried through the store and worked toward the register with a still somewhat stumbly Logan, I was close to tears. Not because I was worried about Logan – at least not in that specific moment. He was okay. The seizure was a small one and it was over, the post-ictal period only a few minutes worth of confusion and sluggishness.
But that Five Months … it was Gone.
I made it home, calling Jim before we pulled away from the parking lot to warn him we were heading home. Was I sure it was a seizure? How could I tell? Jim asked me the same questions I’d already asked myself. It had been 5 months, after all, surely it was a mistake.
But it wasn’t. Logan had a seizure. His five months wasn’t part of an ongoing celebration, but instead a footnote . And as I pondered how it could all change so quickly, I realized how many families would cherish even a day seizure-free.
And I made a decision.
We couldn’t focus on the past, on the dubious celebration of time that was already spent … but we could look forward to each new day to come, being thankful for what we are given. I remember when we counted the HOURS that Logan remained seizure-free …
Today is Day 1
When Logan makes it to tomorrow without having a seizure (because we WILL remain positive) tomorrow will be Day 2 … but maybe it is someone else’s Day 1.
Let’s think about each day as the victory and achievement that it is.
Whether today is your first day seizure-free, your first day without a meltdown, your first day without screaming … whatever this day might be to you, FIND a reason to make it your Day ONE.
We have to hold on to hope, even when things are hard, even when it seems like we’ve gone backwards. As I write this we have made it almost 24 hours without a seizure … Day 1 is holding steady.
Sonya M. Jones says
Oh, my friend I know this felt like a set back, but I look at it as a step forward instead. 5 months is a remarkable amount of time to go without a seizure. Whatever changes were made was working for 5 whole months! Since it was small think of it as a growing hiccup. Perhaps, he\’s due for a growth spurt or has had one & meds need to be adjusted to support it. I\’m no doctor, just a optimist. Hoping earnestly that\’s all it is. Keeping you & your family always in my prayers ♥
Katrina Moody says
Aw thanks @sonyamjones:disqus – I can totally see it as a huge step forward – we never could have imagined going 5 months last year, a few years ago … so it is a big deal that he made it! So far we haven\’t had any more – so I\’m thinking it must be a hiccup on the road to amazing seizure control 😀 Thanks so much for commenting!
It\’s so good to hear optimistic posts about \”day 1\”. I am fortunate enough to have gone a couple years without a seizure but I understand the frustration and feeling of \”starting over\”. I used to liken it to playing a video game where you are about to win but then get eaten by a dragon and have to start at the very beginning again. Going forward I want to think of \”day 1\” as starting a new journey instead of regressing to a point where we once were.